Calming The Mind-Step 2
Please feel free to back up a post or two below to see how I began this conversation with the mind in order to calm it. Comments and responses are always appreciated.

 

Dear Mind: if you are going to attempt to know the hearts and minds of others, which I know you will, how about knowing mine? Knowing mine (minding my mind) and remembering the positives. There are so many that there are some that I’m probably not aware of. Perhaps you can remind me of that! Oh, and while you’re at it, remind me of my strengths, previous successes, and perhaps other encouraging words (we tend to think using words).  

Dear You: this is step 2 for calming the mind.  When you notice yourself being self-critical, which may not have been too long ago, just notice the words and language that you are using toward yourself. Are you calling yourself names, for example? This approach to calming the mind is known as Cognitive Behavioral Psychotherapy (CBT), which I use and refer to often.  It helps to cultivate what James Swartz refers to as a Reasonable Mind-a mind that is not inclined toward superstitions, opinions, and beliefs that do not correspond to common sense and reason (How to Attain Enlightenment: The Vision of Non— Duality). Just by noticing the negativity that is being attended to by your mind and being aware of how your mind is working in this regard, is a significant step toward being released from it.

Calming the Mind - Step 2

 STEP TWO:

 Dear Mind-this one you’re really not going to like to lose because you do it all the time:

 

 DON’T PRESUME TO KNOW THE HEARTS AND MINDS OF OTHERS.

 Why? For two reasons:  First, you’re not that good at it, and Second -even when or if you do get it right, it does not help my situation, and more often just makes things worse. A lot of my emotional discomfort, anger, and anxiety, and sometimes sadness comes from your believing people are thinking or saying something that has to do with you when it doesn’t.

Calming The Mind - Take a Breath & Let Go Slowly

Dear Mind (Ego):

This is the beginning of "goodbye." You serve many functional purposes and much of the time I actually enjoy having you around. But you will not be needed as much anymore. I'll get back to you later.

 Sincerely,

Me (Authentic Self)

Dear You:

This is step 1- take a breath. Do it now, take a breath in and just let it out. The slower you let it out, the better. You now have completed this simple, but intensely meaningful first step. Breathing is the easiest accessible body mechanism that is available to us at any time that also can have the biggest impact upon our minds and body. The more you do this, the calmer and more relaxed you will be.

Dear Mind:

You might be thinking that something as simple as breathing can have little impact or any positive effect upon you or me. However, as you will soon see and experience, it will be a significant step in my becoming disconnected from you. Again, I will get back to you later.

Calming The Mind- Dear Mind, "Goodbye."

Dear Mind (Ego):

This is the beginning of "goodbye." You serve many functional purposes and much of the time I actually enjoy having you around. But you will not be needed as much anymore. I'll get back to you later.

 Sincerely,

Me (Authentic Self)

Albert Ellis' 12 Self-Defeating Beliefs

Doctor Albert Ellis, a core founder and contributor to Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), believed that emotional dysfunction (neuroses) for most people could be related to one or more Self-Defeating beliefs. My interest and use of CBT with my clients was recently rekindled and I came across the following list of Ellis' list of dysfunctional beliefs.  I was reminded just how such beliefs interfere with people's overall health, happiness, and well-being:

1. I need love and approval from those significant to me-and I must avoid disapproval from any source.
2. To be worthwhile as a person I must achieve, succeed at whatever I do, and make no mistakes.
3. People should always do the right thing. When they behave obnoxiously, unfairly, or selfishly, they must be blamed and punished.
4. Things must be the way I want them to be-otherwise life will be intolerable.
5. My unhappiness is caused by things outside my control-so there is little I can do to feel any better.
6. I must worry about things that could be dangerous, unpleasant, or frightening-otherwise they might happen.
7. I can be happier by avoiding life's difficulties, unpleasantness, and responsibilities.
8. Everyone needs to depend on someone stronger than themselves.
9. Events in my past are the cause of my problems-and they continue to influence my feelings and behaviors now.
10. I should become upset when other people have problems and feel unhappy when they are sad.
11. I should not have to feel discomfort and pain-I can't stand them and must avoid them at all costs.
12. Every problem should have an ideal solution, and it is intolerable when one can't be found.

While I was writing this, I was very tempted to add exclamation points after many of these beliefs! One of the tasks of CBT is for us to identify the role these beliefs play in our emotional distress so that we can more rationally respond  to them and react more calmly and appropriately (Rational Emotive Therapy-RET, Ellis).

Psychotherapy Homework

I often ask my psychotherapy clients to complete a PSQ (Presession Questionnaire) prior to their session on which I have written, “IF THERE WAS ONE VARIABLE THAT I HAD TO CHOOSE TO PREDICT WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO BENEFIT FROM PSYCHOTHERAPY, IT WOULD BE THOSE THAT FOLLOW THROUGH WITH AND COMPLETE THEIR HOMEWORK.”

 I had written that some years ago, and continue to attest to its truth.  But then the task is how to follow through with what it is we want to change or improve about ourselves?  How do we reduce procrastination and increase productivity? I often ask clients when you change for the better, what will that look like?  How will we know that the change has taken place?  What will be different?  This is an excellent way to form a goal in your mind; by making your goal specific and imagining the benefits of your self-improvement.  It is also helpful to make changes as part of your daily routine.  For example, people are often consistent with their meditation practice if they meditate the same time every day or the exercise enthusiast who invariably goes to the gym immediately after work.    

Another strategy or technique for self-improvement is just the process of logging and tracking what it is you are trying to change. In this way, a food log or calorie counter phone app can be helpful for weight loss and I, yet again, refer to Insight Timer for tracking meditation sessions. I recently started referring psychotherapy clients to the website MindQuire which can be very helpful for both therapist and client to monitor client’s follow through with homework and use of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques. MindQuire also lists a number of research articles related to the benefits of psychotherapy homework.  To help clients stay on task, I often recommend the Pomodoro Technique , a time-management focus technique to help motivate, concentrate, and achieve a sense of accomplishment by working on a specific undertaking for a short amount of time.

With the establishment of goals and a little bit of structure and practice, change is ALWAYS possible. If you lose your focus or become distracted, don’t be discouraged. As the Pomodoro strategy advises, “The next Pomodoro (activity) will go better.”

INSIGHT TIMER REVISITED

In a previous blog I referred to the smart phone application, Insight Timer while talking about the benefits of structure and consistency of structure. Since then, Insight Timer has added additional features for meditation including Guided Meditations. So, rather than just keeping time for your meditation session, the application now provides you with meditations you can listen to. Today, I enjoyed listening to the featured guided meditation by Tara Brach called "Gateway to Presence." I typically find that meditation helps to relax the mind, which in turn can help relax the body. However, "Gateway to Presence" is particularly helpful in relaxing the mind as well as the body through its guided suggestions, thus producing the Relaxation Response I so often encourage those with whom I work to experience at least once a day. When you can, give it a listen and I trust you will notice both the mental and physical feeling of peace and relaxation.